I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
