I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
