That's intense
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
