Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
