Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
