you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
