just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
