dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
