My first STD was from a foam party
she woke up with a sticky ear
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
