we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
