Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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