Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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