Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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