A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
And then he peed in my hair
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