It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
