Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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