Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
