at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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