Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
