dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Randomize
