alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
