i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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