How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
