My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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