I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just invented taco cereal.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
