I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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