I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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