I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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