Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
