why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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