Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
