i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize