Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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