Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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