omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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