he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
