it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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