You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
