my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
