does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
