I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
