I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
