I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
