He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
