I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
