I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
