i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
that's an acceptable place to lick
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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