You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
