The maid of honor just puked.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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