Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
