Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
