The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
