there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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