lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
