I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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