I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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