it was like getting a handjob from robocop
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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