My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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